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It’s been around two or so weeks since my last session, that’s only because I went away for just over a week to spend time with my fella.
This session was extremely positive. It was smiles and laughter.
I explained that I’m feeling a lot better in myself lately, and I showed her my mood percentage results from moodscope.com and showed her how my moods have been to which it’s not good. It’s still in the depression range but at least they seem to be improving a little… unfortunately they then drop too.
This session we discussed what had happened in the last 24 hours with how I dealt with a conversation that I had that didn’t make me feel too good. She was pleased that this time I took charge and empowered myself and to not let things bother me. I explained that I started to hit the low side of the scale and started to have images of scissors and sharp objects in my head and started feeling the want and urge to go and do what the images were showing me, but that I was resilient and didn’t go ahead and listened, instead I iced myself a little and refused to play the mood game. I made myself a little cold and decided to not care and to play the game at a different angle. It worked and I nailed it! Yes!
I discussed how I was feeling with being back at work and that the phased return was helping, although I had just worked 4 days in a row, it was only around 6 hour shifts. She explained that if I wasn’t coping well then I can go and have it reduced further and get more support. I explained that I had a letter from the referral from the doctor at long last and that I need to make an appointment with them for my assessment which I will be doing in the next couple of days!
It was nice this time because everything was pointing in the right direction, my manager is happy I’m back in work and he can see that I’m starting to be like my old self again, I expressed that I can even see how bad I was and that I could see myself snowball and that it wasn’t pretty but the time off definitely helped. We discussed possible triggers and how to try and avoid them better or to manage with them better… but we also again discussed my relationship with my boyfriend as this plays a huge part of my moods.
The key to my happiness at the moment is also going to the gym. I’ve managed to go 3 days in a row, I then missed 2 days and on the third day I went for a long walk instead. I shall return to the gym tomorrow before work and hopefully after work just to make up for lost time. She seemed really proud of me for that and suggested I stick with it because of the good endorphins that it gives and the fact it’s something positive to do and it’s a decision I have made to make the change.
The day did go a little sour again and I can almost guarantee that my next moodscope percentage is either going to be the same as last night or lower- I can’t see it getting any better from yesterday’s score.
Tomorrow is going to be another day, and I will get better. I’m going to keep looking at the self-help books, and continue with counselling as I still have 5 sessions left. It’s hard at the moment and I’m scared of having good days, especially good days that stick, but she’s assured me that even if I have good days, it doesn’t mean people are going to think I’m cured or that there never was anything wrong, it just simply means that — I am having a good day and that I need to do my best to maintain it.
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